


Borderline in love

by francoantoniohierro



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Asshole!Gerard, Cheating, M/M, tw borderline, tw self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-02-16 07:23:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18686812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/francoantoniohierro/pseuds/francoantoniohierro
Summary: Gerard has borderline personality disorder. He stopped going to therapy six months ago. Now, his marriage and his job is starting to fall apart over a boy he doesn't even know.





	1. Chapter 1

There's a sculpture in the bedroom.

It rests on top of one of our drawers. Whenever someone walks in the room, that’s the first thing that grabs their attention. A small black object, with seemingly no purpose at all. It was   _ a r t _ . Lyn said it was, at least. It was hard to really understand what it was. What it was supposed to be representing. Why someone would take their time and effort in doing it. Or why would it be in the bedroom. It was baffling. Bob said it looked like a tree in the autumn, after all the leaves were gone. He also said it was black because art was dumb. My friend Ronnie said it represented anger. John said it was some sort of monster's claw. Lyn said it was what being in love felt like.

I fucking hate it.

I didn't actually said it to Lyn, because well, I'm not stupid. But i just didn't like it. Every once in a while I would "accidently" throw it in the garbage can. Somedays i would "unintentionally" drop it in the ground in hopes of breaking it. And only one time i actually asked her to take it out. Saying that it was so amazing, that it should be in the living room where every new visitor could see it the moment they walked into our apartment. She rejected the offer, saying she liked it there. I really didn't.

The only reason why it exists is because of me, really. I was the one that said Lyn didn't understand what art was about, and after the hundreds of apologies it costed me... I guess Lyn realized she actually didn't. It was then that she started going to art galleries, and it was after that when she started painting. She was bad at it - I'm sure she was aware - but when she finally stopped she decided to try something else. Something to show me how "artsy" she could be plus how "maybe I didn't understand her". The first sculptures she made weren't so bad. I'm not sure what they were supposed to be, but at least she kept them hidden somewhere. While the one that actually bothered me was the one that I had to see everyday. 

Its been two years. She doesn’t even like making sculptures or going to art shows anymore. I guessed she just keeps it there because she knows I hate it. As a reminder that what I said years ago was wrong. Or at least as a trophy on how she proved me wrong. 

That's why i'm staring at it so badly right now, while she's screaming at me. I should be fighting back, but she'll prove me wrong. She always manages to win. One lousy sculpture at a time. 

See, she’s my favorite person in the entire world. But she’s also someone I hate. There's never an inbetween. Either she’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me, or she’s the worst. She either made me or ruined my life. Perhaps she’s a little bit of both. But my head doesn’t work like that. It never has. It’s always been a constant fight between my emotions. Back when I went to therapy things settled a bit. But even then they were never right. I have never ever been right. This is just the way my life is. And will always be. Constant love and hate inside me. 

"I just don't see why you're like this!" She shouts louder, trying to get my attention "You never come to her parties! If your mom asked me to go somewhere I would! Why can't you ever spend time with my family? They think you're an asshole that only cares about work and -"

"See, even you know they hate me!" I interrupted, breaking eye contact with the black piece of garbage on top of the drawer then turning to her  "What's the fucking point? They know i hate them, they hate me. Why would i go?" 

A lot of people hate me. In fact, Id arguee that most people hate me. Why wouldnt they? I’m garbage honestly. Theres no doubt in my head about this. If I could live in a cage and not have to see anyone ever I think I’d be okay. 

"Because you care about me!" She says back immediately "And you wouldn't want me to spend the entire party alone"

"Ah, C'mon. You're gonna spend the entire evening with you damn sisters while I have to talk to your dad about Home Depot" The moment I mentioned her sisters, I noticed a twitch in her face. The sort of twitch that she made whenever I came late from work and asked for dinner. The same type of twitch in her face she made when I said she didn't know what art was. She's angry by this point, I could tell. So I continue, because my impulses are telling me that this is good. That the person I love deserves this "What's the point? I'd rather stay here doing work. Hell, i'd rather chop my damn ears off"

She groans in displease then stares at the ground. As if it was going to make what I said false. She folds her arms tightly against her chest before clenching her teeth like a child. She always does that when she doesn't get away with something she wants. It's not often, but it makes me feel victorious.

"I always do everything you want from me! Why can't you just do this one thing?"

The eye contact between us becomes unexisting after this line. She sniffs loudly a few times. From that I can tell she's about to cry, but I don't want to stop. Crying wasn't going to make her win the arguement. No, not again. I’m winning. This isn’t the person I love currently, they’re my enemy now. 

"I have work to do, i'm not gonna waste my time in some stupid family barbeque"

She's weeping by the time I finish my sentence. For some reason that just pissed me off more than anything she had said so far. But i don't want to keep arguing anymore. That's why I got up from the bed and started making my way toward the living room. I can tell she's following me, asking me what i'm doing. The moment I closed the apartment's door and reached the hall in the building the noises stopped. 

That's also when I realized I had nowhere to go. 

I can't go to the bar a few blocks away. After an entire year of being sober, it doesn't feel right. I can't go to anyone's place to chat because during the scene I caused I didn't stop to get my car keys. And I also don't know anyone in this building. Lyn probably knows this, and she's waiting inside for me to come back  in a matter of minutes like an idiot.

No. She's not going to win this.

I’m suddenly furious for no real reason. I just feel hate all over me. Hate towards her, towards her family, towards everyone. They can all fuck off and die for all I care. I’m so angry that there are tears running down my face. It’s crazy. I have no control over me. I’m a slave to my own feelings and self destruction. And that bar is calling my name…

**No** .

We live in the 5th floor. The building has 12, plus a rooftop where parties are thrown during holidays. Lyn is not going to win this so easily.

For the first time since I moved, I avoid the elevator to use the stairs. Now, during my initial anger going through five stairs didn't seem like much. But my anger only lasts for a few minutes, then I'm left tired going to a place i don't actually want to be at. I don't want to let Lyn win, though. That's probably why my feet keep going even though a wave of pain is going through them. 

When I finally open the door I feel like I somehow won the argument I was having. Because I've been gone for at least twenty minutes and Lyn is probably worried by now. So by the time i come back, she's probably going to apologize. And later interrogate me, but she's definitely going to stop pushing me to go to the barbecue tomorrow. 

There aren't many things in the rooftop. For one, there's a white plastic table in the middle of the area. In a corner at left, six plastic chairs are stacked together. Whenever a party is held there, completely different tables are used: So the plastics ones were maybe brought by a resident. The second thing I notice is someone at the left of the building smoking a cigarette and enjoying the view.

For all I know it could be a girl. After all, I only get a sight of short dark hair. The back of a dark shirt. The back of some black skinny jeans. Small feet wearing converse and gray air coming from a cigarette. The fingers holding the cigarette have faded black nail polish in them. 

After my first step I'm sure it’s a girl. A really skinny one, with no curves or much of an ass, but a girl.

It's only after i close the door to the stairs behind me that the person turns around.

Boy.

The moment he starts staring at me I turn away, pretending to be very interested in the view from the opposite edge of the roof. So I walk as fast as I can to reach the end of the right side from the rooftop. There's a small balcony where I drop my hands in hopes of looking casual. The view in front of me consists in tall buildings and a street filled with cars making loud noises. Fresh wind somehow travels all over my face making me want to shiver. I can't really concentrate in anything. Because my mind keeps going back to the boy I was accidently checking out only a minute ago. 

After spending every drop of my self control to avoid doing it, I just turn around to see if the boy is still there.

And he is. And he's still staring at me. 

I turn around again. The first thought to pop in my head is that someone's going to kick my ass. Now, the kid may be short and skinny, but anyone can kick my ass. Anyone.

The second thing to come to my head is that the boy probably thinks i'm a creep. I'm visibly older, taller, fatter and the fact that I was staring at his ass - or lack thereof - when he turned around probably wouldn't help my case.

The third thought is that going back to my room already would probably be less awkward than being alone with a stranger in a lonely place. 

The fourth is that I should have gone to a bar.

At some point during my unfocused observation of the gray building in the other side of the street, the boy decides to lean to my side of the roof. Its then when he's only maybe about two feet away from me trying to see what I’m looking at... That my forehead is dripping with sweat. I get a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye. Then I see a piercing in the bottom of his thin lips. He also has some sort of black ear stretcher. Piercings are usually worn by people tougher than me.

"Hey man"

He says, finally giving me an excuse to turn around and really see him. He's smirking. People who are about to kick my ass usually aren't smirking. Usually.

"Hey, you from around here?"

I let out without stopping to think how stupid that question is. Of course he's from around here. He lives in the fucking building. Why else would he be there? He looks like he's going to laugh at my comment, but decides against it.

"Yeah" He says looking amused, still with a vague smile in his face "I'm Frank. I live in the eighth floor"

"I'm Gerard" I reply immediately without thinking too much again "Fifth floor"

"I don't mean to sound rude" He starts, making me a little annoyed "But it's a friday at ten o'clock, what are you doing here? Like, you're not going to kill yourself, are you? Because I-"

Oh. He thinks I’m a miserable piece of shit. Great. He’s not wrong whatsoever. If I wasn’t so much of a pussy, I would have jumped months ago. When things first started going south. But I didn’t. I’m alive. With cuts hiding underneath my coat. And a fear of heights. Very much alive. And terrible at it. But still with a huge fear of heights.

"No, no, no" I say taking a step further "Not suicidal, no. I just- I don't know- i needed somewhere to be"

Frank takes a deep breath and smiles in relief. 

"Are you hiding from someone?"   
He asks.

"Yeah"

"Me too"

He says before with excitement. 

"Who?"

The smile in the boy fades.

"My stupid ex boyfriend keeps coming to my apartment looking for me and he's just knocking all day. The moment he went away for a minute I ran outside."

"You don’t let him in? Why?"

"No" He answers with a hint of disgust in his face "Fuck him. He's really persistent though. Like hours of begging persistent"

"That sucks" 

Is all i can think of saying.

"Yeah. Who are you hiding from?"

My stomach contracts and i swallow my own saliva for no reason. 

"I don't know man" Is all my head comes up with "I just- I needed to get out and hide. I don't go around much"

Frank nods, from his expression he looks very interested in what i'm saying.

"I'm here a lot actually" He says, looking at his feet "Whenever you feel like, i don't know stressed or whatever you can totally come by and i don't know maybe we could talk or something i don't know, if you feel like it"

"Sure" 

He looks up to smile at me even though i hardly said anything.

"How old are you, Gerard?"

"I'm 27, you?"

"I'm 25"

I resist on replying to this with " _ in what planet _ ?", nodding instead. He was lying. I knew he was. it was all over his face. I couldn't understand why.

"How long have you been living here?"

I asked completely unaware of how long Frank was going to make his answer. He didn't just told me one year, he had to explain why he picked the building, why he moved, why did he always wanted to move, where he would move if he could.

At some point of the conversation Frank just lets himself free. Talking and talking. Making small jokes and laughing at them like a dork every couple of seconds with me just smiling back. Talking and talking. He even dropped his cigarette in the floor, but didn't seemed to care. He was busy: talking and talking. If it had been any other person i'd be annoyed, but Frank was almost hypnotising. The way his smile would go wider with some of his own remarks, the way he bit his bottom lip when i would intervene, how he would brush his hair with his hands with certain topics, how his bright hazel eyes would go tinier as he laughed. And he just went on talking and talking. 

He talked briefly about his mom. He told me about the time he went to a misfits concert when he was younger and how it made him a better person. He talked about how when I closed the door after arriving he thought he was going to be mugged. He mentioned his thoughts on dogs and why he thought they were so much better than cats. He told me about how one time he got so high he tried to eat a rock. And he still didn't seemed to be fulfilled at all. He seemed like he could keep going all night. Just talking and talking and giggling and talking and talking. I was paying more attention than i should have because my interest just seemed to be triggering him into keep going and going- 

And I was completely addicted to it. I wanted more and more of this complete stranger. Something about him called me. It felt like destiny. I wanted to listen to him for hours and hours. He was better than alcohol. Better than Lyn. He was new and exciting. Like when I was younger and would fall madly in love from person to person in a span of weeks. This felt like it. But even more stronger. It wasn’t love though. It was this weird sensation of truly  _ wanting  _ this person to be mine. He needed to be.

"-and he fired me but i was like 'whatever this place is shitty anyway' you know?" I nodded with a grin " he was so stupid I swear, so I kept going to his stupid restaurant for like two weeks just to annoy him and he just-"

"Oh my god, what time is it?" I interrupt being surprised by how bright the sky was all of the sudden "God, i should probably go" The boy seemed a little sad "I work on saturdays"

"Oh, I had no idea man. I- Jesus, no one works on saturdays i'm sorry. What do you do anyways?"

"I work for some ad company"

I said walking away in a rush. I knew that wasn't going to end Frank's questions. So maybe if he saw how I was leaving it was going to make him realize I was heading out no matter what.

"Well which-" I reached the doorknob while I waved at him goodbye, deciding to not look him in the eyes while I did it "Oh- Bye, Gerard. See you ar-" I closed the door to head downstairs without more hesitation. 

I almost fell maybe two times during my rush in getting back to my floor, after that I slowed down. I wanted to get to my apartment but not dying sounded good too. Altough…  **No** . Stupid brain. Always wanting pain for no reason. I can’t stand you.  **No.**

The hall in the fifth floor was completely deserted. The lights were turned on, but for some reason, they started to flick a little. The green hall filled with doors would turn black every couple of seconds, sending shivers down my spine. When I reached the door with the number "126" in gold characters I went blank. I didn't have my keys with me. Would Lyn open the door for me? This late? After an argument? I doubted it. 

Still, I played with the doorknob, and it opened without giving a struggle. 

The living room was dark. Instead of waking Lyn up by turning the lights on, I decided to walk in the dark towards the bedroom. After three years in the apartment, I had walked through the place with the lights off a couple times before, usually drunk. This time I hardly even stumbled with anything. I crashed against some things a few times sure, but didn't fall to the ground at least.

The door to the bedroom was open. Apparently Lyn didn't want me to wake her up as much as i didn't.

Getting in bed besides her was probably the hardest part of my intrusion to the apartment. The bed sank as I layed down next to Lyn's back. She wasn't snoring. There was no way she was asleep. But she didn't seem to want to talk and I didn't either. 

I fell asleep so fast after that, that i didn't bother checking what time it was. It was late, definitely. And that's what mattered.

The last thing i saw before reaching unconsciousness was the black shadow in top of the white drawer next to the tv. It was her sculpture.

I don’t care about it anymore. 


	2. Chapter 2

***

"I haven't finished the designs for the account 39"

Mr. Robertson doesn't look up. He seems completely careless of what I just said. He's laid back against the chair in his office holding his smartphone a few inches away from his face. Tapping the screen every couple of seconds. Robertson is around 40 years old. He's been working for the company for more than ten years, and seems to be very good at whatever he does. He makes important decisions, as far as I'm concerned, whatever they are.

He's my boss. He also seems to be everyone's boss. I know he doesn't own or run the company, but he's still a big deal. I don't usually get to talk to him. As the head of the art department, I get faxes and emails from him all the time. That's how i get information from the projects we have to work on. But hardly ever I get to be in the same room as him. 

"I'm really sorry, sir"

I add to my last comment, hoping it causes some effect in Robertson face. It doesn't.

"Finish it on monday" 

He replies without taking his eyes from the screen

"Oh my god thank you, sir. I promise it's going to be done by monday morning"

"That's not why i asked you to come here, Gerard" He finally pulls down the phone, pressing a button in its sides and letting it lay down in the brown desk in front of him. He looks me in the eyes and I feel like i'm going to pass out at any second "Calm down"

I had no idea that he knew my name. Why would he bother, really? We all call each other by our last names here, and it's not like having a good impression with me could actually help him. I should be the one who knows his full name.

His black hair is so covered in hair cream that makes the entire office smell like mint. His small green eyes seem to have bags under them. He usually never gives a full smile, but he definitely smirks, so much he's actually doing it right now. I didn’t know how to interpret that. He has this thing about him too, I can't quite put my finger on what it is. But just hearing him talk makes me so, i don't know, charmed. I guess it's carisma. Carisma or not, I would probably burn a building down if he asked me to.

"Look, Gerard" He said my name again. Oh god, he makes me feel so important. This is the type of shit why he's in top of this place isn't it? "I had to let Esther go" Hearing that filled me with happiness, but I decided not to show amusement "I already hired somebody new to take her place. He's starting next week. I'm letting you know so when you have documents to give me you give them to the new guy. I know you're used to give everything to Esther outside my office, but things happen for a reason, you know?"

I nodded fast, probably showing how frighten I really was to be talking to him.

"Now," He continued "When you finish those designs on Monday, give them to Iero"

"Excuse me, but who, sir?"

"Iero"

He repeated but I still wasn't too sure that I had heard right. Asking again would be pushing limits, though.

"I'll give them to him then, sir"

I replied still carried away by the name. I had never heard one like it before in my life. He was probably foreign. Or weird. Or both.

"You can go back to your office now, Way"

He said before giving me a short grin, and then holding his phone again. 

So I obeyed.

I wasn't too excited for the new guy, but at the same time i hated Esther quite a bit. She always looked annoyed. She made me feel like a moron every time i gave her the documents for Mr. Robertson. Also she smelled like peaches all the time. Fuck peaches. She could choke for all I cared.

Somehow, I have employees of my own. Four guys in their early twenties that seem eager to help with whatever big account i'm working on, but i don't like acknowledging them much. I usually just make them evaluate the expenses of the art department for projects. They do get to design and do sketches for me, but i often like messing with their heads and redo their sketches and give mines to Mr. Robertson instead of giving theirs. I wonder if they see me like I see Mr. Robertson. 

Somehow, I have an office of my own, while they share a small area with tiny desks and a deficient air conditioner. God, i should probably check on them to see if they're still alive more often. I am, their Mr. Robertson. How strange is that. Seriously, I’m a goddamn mess. Why am I in charge of four people? That’s such a terrible idea.

**

I didn't know what to expect when I opened the door. It was two in the afternoon on a sunday. I was still wearing the dark gray sweatpants I use to sleep and a black hoodie. For some reason my mind was sure that he'd be there. I could come some other time, when the sun wasn't so annoying and I was wearing something more presentable. What if he asked me about the hoodie? I couldn’t tell him that I was a self destructive asshole that cut myself. And if I didn’t wear it...Oh, the horror.

But I just knew he had to be there. And making him wait wouldn't be nice.

And he was. This time he was the first thing I noticed when I reached the rooftop.

He seemed to be wearing the same outfit as the last time i saw him, except that this time the dark shirt he was wearing was replaced by a sweater with black and red stripes going all over it. He wasn't smoking today.

He was grinning at me.

As i got closer to the left end of the roof he was resting on i couldn't help but to imitate the gesture.

"Just got out of bed?"

He asked raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah"

"It's almost three pm"

"Yeah"

He chuckled for a second and my smile grew wider.

"I'm sorry for keeping you awake for so long the other night. I've been unemployed for so long I forget people actually do things with their time" 

Frank said, his smile mostly vanished.

"No worries, sorry to hear that"

"I do have a job now, you know" He replied smirking again "I haven't started yet, but don't think i'm some hippie slacker or something"      

"I don't"

I expected Frank to continue the conversation with some silly remark or some backstory but he didn't. Part of me really wanted him to go on and on like last friday. But he stayed quiet staring at me for a couple of minutes. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence though. Frank seemed to make everything fun. Including silence. He was so fascinating. I wanted to spend every minute with him. I didn’t even know why.    
  
We had talked once.    
  
**And he was my favorite person in the planet.**

When he finally spoke he broke eye contact with me and his voice sounded softer.

"Your hair is really long"

He said, but I couldn't tell what that was supposed to mean. It didn't sound much like a joke, a question or some way to start up the conversation again. It almost felt like he had thought out loud.

"It is"

I answered pushing my messy black hair a bit.

"I just-" He paused and stared at the ground "forget it"

"What?"

"It just-" He looked up again, making eye contact "It reminds me of someone. Well, someone's hair, i mean. And its not someone i'd like to remember"

"Guess i'll have to chop it off now"

I replied, and he grinned again. He seemed to be expecting me to ask who, but my answer was more satisfying.

"Now that's just over the top" He said in the same jokingly tone i had spoken in "You could bleach it, or burn it"

"Good thing i was looking for a change anyway"

"Dye it red then"

He said but the joking tone was suddenly gone.

"Really?" I said feeling a little embarrassed out of nowhere "I've never really- I couldn't pull it of i'm too-"

"You could. You'd look hot" He said bursting with confidence "Hotter, i mean"

The last remark made me break eye contact to stare at the ground for a few seconds. I was probably blushing and didn't want him to notice.

The comment made me reevaluate my entire relationship with Frank in my head. I knew he was gay, god, I knew the only reason he was there to begin with was to hide from an ex boyfriend. But it hadn't even crossed my mind that he could be attracted to me. I'm not exactly hideous but i can tell when someone is out of my league, or planet, for that matter. Not to mention how i'm much older than him; i know he's not 25, there's just no way. The idea that Frank felt there was something going on between us hadn't even gone through my head before.

"Gosh I'm sorry" He said pulling me away from my thoughts "I didn't mean to make you so uncomfortable. I- God, you're not even gay are you?"

"No, no I-" I intervened as i saw him walking away a few steps, far from me. It made my heart ache "I'm bi, you didn't- you didn't bothered me at all, Frank I'm just- I'm a little shy i guess"

He stopped walking. He put a hand in his chest sarcastically before letting out a relieved sigh. Suddenly he was smiling again, genuinely happy. 

"Damn, you scared me there for a second" He said "I have the worst luck, i swear. All these girls try hitting on me and whenever i actually find a guy to make a move its-"

"I'm just shy, i didn't really thought you were interested in me" I interrupted again "You caught me off guard that's all"

"We should go out sometime then"

He proposed. It was then that i realized i had done something very wrong.

No we couldn't go out sometime. My wife would worry. You know, the person that i married to because she's as straight as I am. 

"I would love to"

Was my answer.


	3. Chapter 3

***

I didn't know why I did it. I still didn't know why I told Frank that i was gay when i got home. I didn't know why when I noticed Lyn's absence, I changed my clothes to go out. I didn't know why I grabbed my keys, locked the apartment and headed towards the street. Remembering those actions felt so vague, like I wasn't the one who had done it at all. But other than lying to Frank and leaving the apartment without calling Lyn, the thing that I mostly didn't understand was why I was all of the sudden next to a hair styler with a book displaying various shades of red on it.

This is just something that happens to me. I do stupid things. Very stupid things. Because it feels right at the moment. And suddenly I realize that I’m fucked. 

"Which one do you like?"

A short chubby girl soaked in makeup asked me while pointing at the book a few inches away from my face. Frank hadn't been very specific. He didn't said what shade of red he wanted. Or how short i should cut my hair. He just said I'd look hot.

"I-I don't know" Comes out of me in a low tone "c-could you pick for me? You must know better"

The girl doesn't seem to bothered by the question, as if it wasn't too rare to hear it. She grabbed my chin softly to get a better look at my face. Her gaze later turned to the book she was holding. Then back to me. Then back to the book.

"I think you would look good in this one" She pointed to a bright red tone at the left edge of the page "But you'd have to bleach your hair first"

The moment she mentioned bleaching my head finally began thinking of the consequences of what I was doing. Bleaching was going to fuck my hair for good. It was going to take at least an hour. It wasn't something I could particularly hide from Lyn. Not to mention I didn't have more than ten dollars in my wallet so I was going to have to use my credit card - the one Lyn and I promise to only use for emergencies. It was stupid. I didn't even liked the hair color the woman picked for me. It was stupid. Going to cut my hair at all because some gay boy i met had jokingly asked me to was probably the dumbest thing i had ever thought of doing. 

But that was my favorite person. Currently. 

"Fine"

***

When I opened the door to my apartment my mind debated if I should go to the rooftop and check if Frank was around first. Then I thought of going to the eighth floor and find his apartment. But after a few seconds I regained some common sense. I closed the door as softly as I could hoping I wouldn't make much sound, then I looked around the living room. The lights were on, unlike when I left, but Lyn didn't seem to be around. She usually likes sitting on the couch there to wait for my arrival and eat my soul for going out without her permission.

"My sister Betty is getting married on October" I heard the voice of the devil say coming from my bedroom. I love her, but i know she's mad, and when she's mad she's without a doubt the devil so I may as well see her as such "She gave me the invitation today. We're going"

We're going. She said as a statement, not asking me if i wanted to go, not even questioning it at all. We're going. This is the type of things I get for not going to stupid barbecues, but a wedding is far superior in annoying me than a barbecue. And she's knows that, that's why we're going.

"Honey, for christ sake" I start, knowing that she's going to get mad at some point of the night thanks for my observation "You didn't even asked me. And october is in a few months, I don’t know if i I'll have work to do by then"

"Why can't you ever do anything for me?" She shouts. The moment I hear her steps getting closer I know I'm not going to be alive for too long "After all I do you can't even-"

She completely stops in the middle of the sentence when she reaches the living room where I found myself a few feets away from the door.

She doesn't look angry though. Just confused. Very confused. Her eyes are wide open and her mouth is left hanging as she studies what I've done with my hair. 

"Why would you-" 

She starts, still looking absolutely clueless.

"I felt like it" I say in hopes of getting a reaction from her, but nothing happens "What do you think of it?"

That was it. I felt like it. I fucked up my hair completely because I just felt like it. It was a boring night and no one was at home so I did it. 

"It looks-" She clears her throat for a second "It looks nice, Gee"

I sure wasn't expecting that. I was expecting more screaming. Maybe a slap in the face. But all I got was a compliment. It made me feel guilty. I hadn't done anything with Frank but, I knew what we had was heading to no good. Specially after today, when I didn’t tell him about being married and how I said i was bi instead. It made me feel guilty, but I was hoping that if Lyn was mad at me she'd said something hurtful and I'd have an excuse to be angry at her. But she didn't say anything bad. That made me feel even more guilty. She needed to be my villain.

"Really?"

I asked, thinking she would say no and start calling me bad names.

"Yeah, it looks really good, baby" She was smiling, as if the condition of my hair excited her. "Did you bleached and dyed it? I- You look so much younger now"

"I'm glad you like it, honey" I lied "But i still can't confirm if i'll go to Betty's wedding or not"

"Don't worry" She said with a smile, beginning to get closer to me "It's for october, that's a long time from now"

"I-I" My brain wasn't able to formulate sentences when I felt her pulling her arms around my neck. It felt like our first date for a second "Honey- I don't get this, you seemed really upset and now you-"

"I shouldn't be upset at you, Gee. I know you can't control what you're going through right now"

She said, raising her head to get a clear view at my face.

"And what is that- that thing i'm going through?"

"It's a mid life crisis" She replied, i tried to pull away from her arms, but her grip was strong and i could have hurt her "I've read about it, it can totally happen when you're 30"

"But i'm twenty seven"

"Gee, Gee, shhh, it's okay" She murmured before sending her hands to stroke the sides of my face "I get it, my dad had one of these too when he was younger. He dyed his hair blonde, Gee. I'm not mad because you're going through that too. It's just- life. I support you, okay? Even if it means you're not going to come with me to parties because you're feeling rebellious or whatever, i get it"

"But it's not like that at all. I- I wanted to dye my hair and I did it, that's all"

She simply smiled at my observation. The sort of smile you give a child when they tell you a silly story and you don't want to stop to explain why they're wrong.

"When my dad had his mid life crisis he cheated, Gee. But i know you're not that kind of person. You're the type that dyes their head red and avoids doing adult stuff. That's why i love you, you know that? That's why i support you in this"

"I didn't cheat on you" Comes out of my mouth almost involuntarily. The moment she said the word cheating my mind went straight to Frank. The man I lied to. The man that Lyn didn't know existed and the man who didn't know of Lyn's existence. Thinking about him made my heart ache "I swear, I didn't cheat on you" 

"I know that, Gee. You're just not that type of person"

_ But I am. _ She knew about my illness. How couldn’t she tell?

***

Monday morning i found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror of my bathroom for maybe fifteen minutes. It was five in the morning: driving to my office would take me at least 30 minutes and I was supposed to be there at 6 o'clock. So wasting my time was never the wisest thing to do. Still, there was something so different about me. It wasn't just that the black hair I had carried my entire life had changed into a different color. It was something somewhere in my face that was different.

The hazel in my eyes seemed to be shining - but it was something that could be blamed in the awful bright light we had in in the bathroom. Other than that, I couldn't say anything was really different. But i felt something was. At some point i remembered something I had heard in a movie long time ago. It wasn't something really smart or that could actually be proven, but it popped into my head for some reason.

Someone had said that when someone was in love, you could see it right through their faces.

And I was in love, but I had been in love with Lyn for more than two years already. So the idea was just stupid. 

I poured some drops of water in my forehead. Then I decided i should really get going.


	4. Chapter 4

***

I graduated in graphic design. It was the reason why I was hired in the first place. It wasn't exactly painful to do, but every once awhile I would find myself doing redesigns like the one I was doing for account 39. I had done exactly what they asked me to do with the ad, used the slogan they wanted and finished it when they wanted. But, a few days after sending it I had received an email asking me to do it again, since I had committed a mortal flaw. The company's logo wasn't big enough. They rejected the entire thing because they didn't felt it speaked enough of who they were. Now, if somebody else in a better, more productive place, had received the message, they'd probably be starting all over again. Instead of that, all I did was take ten minutes of my time making the logo bigger with a tool in the program i used. That was it. I didn't often get requests like the one account 39 wanted, but whenever I could just be a jackass and mess around with proportions and call it a day my mood would get better.

There I was, after spending twenty minutes getting ready in a white shirt, a black suit jacket, dark trousers and a thin dark blue tie. After spending half an hour in traffic just to get this damn building. After being greeted by four secretaries commenting on the choice i had made for my hair. After all that and all that i did in my office was resize a damn logo. 

God my life was boring. I needed to let myself loose again. Like I had done with my hair. Like I had done the second I talked to Frank for the first time.

So I finished printing the hardly different new design that I knew Robertson wasn't going to mind. I remembered that Esther was gone. So now i had to meet the Iero guy. 

Stucked the new design and some paperwork that needed to go with it in a beige folder. It took me maybe 10 minutes to write outside the folder what it was, the serial number of the project, when it was requested, when i had finished it, plus a bunch of irrelevant names I had to include in everything such as Mr. Robertson's. Grabbing the folder with my left hand I took the elevator to Mr. Robertson's floor, since of course, his office couldn't be in the same floor as mine was because he's so very important and needs so much damn space to work at. All the important people had their office in that floor.

There I went as fast as possible in the hopes of not running into any important people. I always fucked up small chat with important people. I’m weird. And fidgety. I cannot be trusted around other people.

There were various doors in the floor, all with a small desk right outside them where there would be a young secretary. Either talking on the phone, using their computer, or doing their nails without a care in the world.

"Good morning Mr. Way" Chelsea said as I walked by her desk. She's Mr. Toro's secretary, but that man is never around "That color looks great on you" 

She was smiling at me, something I rarely see her do, so I returned the gesture and thanked her as I walked faster.

"Good morning, Mr. Way"

Tania said as i walk by the office of Mr. Helms, who I've never even seen in all my time here.

"Morning"

Was all I replied as I continued without slowing down.

"Loving your new hairstyle"

She insisted and I thanked her again trying my best to not sound annoyed.

"Oh my god, Mr. Way!" Jenny said as I walked down Mr. Laurie's office. It was strange, since she had already seen me while I was printing my new design "You look so good!"

I somehow managed to smile and than again. After this point I decided to walk as far as I could and my way to Mr. Robertson's office. I was greeted two more times before being able to reach my destination.

When I got outside Mr. Robertson's office I noticed a man with his head down sitting in the desk where Esther used to be everyday. He seemed to be wearing some cheap grey suit jacket and a white shirt with a yellow stain in the top of his chest. He wasn't wearing a tie - something i learned was a bad idea long time ago. I couldn't get a good view to the trousers he was wearing but i assumed they were probably overused and dirty as well. He had his head down staring very directly at the flip phone he was holding tightly between his hands. I couldn't get a good look at his face, and he didn't seem to have noticed my presence at all, so I took the folder and left it in his desk hoping he'll noticed it eventually.

"Oh, I-" He started, finally looking up from his phone. It was Frank. The Frank who didn't know about my wife. That Frank was now working with an entire office of people who had seen Lyn at least once in the holiday parties we throw around the office "Hi! Oh my god, Gerard is that you?"

"Hi" I replied, giving a light smile. I knew i couldn't talk to Frank much, no matter how much I wanted to, because those damn nosy secretaries a few feets away from us would be listening. And the moment they heard something suspicious, the entire office would know. I should have been a little excited to have Frank working in the same building as me, but all my mind could focused on was how close i was to be caught on whatever the hell I was starting with him "I- Yeah, it’s Gerard the guy who wakes up at three pm"

"This is so cool!" He exclaimed and i could already sense the looks of a few secretaries all over us "I was scared of working here but at least now i know you're here too! And, ah, don't get me started on your hair!"

"I know, i know. I had to bleach it first," I explained speaking as quiet as i could "but I think it was worth it"

"It was!" He said grinning like a child "You look-"

"You know what Frank?" I interrupted, before any of the secretaries could listen to whatever inappropriate thing he was about to say "I have some work to do, and i should really, really get going"

"Oh, well" His smile and the excitement in his voice seemed to have vanished "I guess we could talk later"

"Do you think Robertson would let you go during lunch? You could drop by my office"

"Really?" He said, his smile reappearing "You have your own office and everything?"

"I'm the head of the art department" I declared with a grin, he looked like he seriously believed that was an important position "I'm at the tenth floor, look for a blonde secretary outside reading some magazine and get into the door that says 'Gerard Arthur Way' in it"

"I can't wait. I'll be there in two hours, I promise"

I simply nodded before walking away. God must really hate me.

The idea of being so close to him and not by his side was going to drive me crazy for the next two hours. I needed him.   
  



	5. Chapter 5

***

"Lyn called me the other day"

My brother Mikey said to me on the phone before even greeting me.

There I was back at my office. Knowing that Frank was going to come in a matter of minutes so I wanted to end the call as soon as it was humanly possible to. Mikey rarely calls me, he usually likes dropping by my office completely unexpected to make me catch up on his life. Mikey is one of the only people I genuinely enjoy talking to. But I still couldn't wait to say goodbye and hang up. I was on my lunch break though, and he knew that.

"Really?" I asked looking directly at my office's door, waiting "What for?"

"She said you're having..." He started but stopped to clear his throat "Uh, some sort of, men issues"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

I asked, turning my sight to where my phone was, as if he could see me.

"Well" He continued, still sounding uncomfortable "She said that you dyed your fucking hair? Like, red? And that you've been kind of a dick lately?"

"I'm fine" I said loudly into the phone "I'm fucking fine. I'm busy right now, Mikes and there's really nothing to worry about"

"Well I'm-"

He tried to say, but before his sentence was finished I heard a knock on the door to my office. That’s when I knew I had to end the call. The person on the other side only knocked two times more before abruptly stopping, probably being told to do so by my secretary Christine.

"I'm sorry but i have to go"

I interrupted him before hanging the black phone of my office. I was sure that whatever he tried to say was important, but i didn't care. Frank was more important, he shouldn't have to wait for me to end a conversation I shouldn't even be having in the first place. 

Christine called me by the small device in my desk to tell me a man who had only referred to himself as Frank wanted to see me. I told her to send him in immediately. I could feel sweat all over my palms, and a knot in my stomach of anticipation. It felt like one of my first dates as a teenager. I felt like the way Lyn used to make me feel when we had first met. This type of excitement was something I had missed.    
  
It was part of my youth. It was part of my illness.

I told my secretary to let him in. He didn't wait too much before opening the door. He closed it behind him as if he was as if he was scared of something. Before saying anything he looked around to the bookshelf at the right side of the office. Then to the shelves on my left and finally to the brown desk in front of me. He looked like a child, completely overwhelmed by the strange surroundings. It was adorable actually, but I looked away before he could caught me looking. 

"Sweet place" 

He said walking slowly towards my desk.

"You haven't been inside Mr. Robertson's office have you?"

I asked with a smirk.

"How could you tell?" He replied, smirking back. "It's weird because I'm working for the guy, yet i haven't even seen him in all day. I mean, I get his calls and send the messages he wants me to send, but I don't even know what the guy looks like. Some lady had to explain me how this place works and even she said I wouldn't get to see him much. Even though, you know, we work in the same fucking building a few feet away from each other"

"Don't take it so personal" I said, feeling a ache in my stomach when i saw him sitting right on top of my desk completely ignoring the two chairs he could have used "I- I mean, I hardly ever get to see him as well and he's also my boss" 

"I love your new hair" He said leaning a little closer to me, completely avoiding what i had just said "I told you that you'd look hot, didn't I?" He continued, only a few inches away  from my face "Hotter"

"You- Thanks you- thank you" I said, he was so close i could hear his breathing, and smell his cheap cologne "I- I did it for you cause, well, you seemed to be bothered by how it used to look and all that so I- I guess- i wanted y-y-you to like it"

"I love it"

He insisted with a smirk, somehow getting even closer to my face.

"I- I'm glad" 

I said, I was going to add "you liked it" but I was interrupted by Frank crashing his mouth against mine. Involuntarily I let out a whimper as I retributed the kiss. I leaned closer to put my hands around his neck trying my best to not throw him out of balance. 

It was wrong. 

During five years of marriage I had never even contemplated having an affair before, but I didn't even question it when Frank kissed me. I didn't want to pull away from his soft lips, his scent, everything about him made me wanted to stay like that forever. At that moment Lyn didn't exist, the only thing that mattered was Frank. My mind was drunk on Frank. Lyn was a villain. Frank was the best thing to have ever happened. Nothing in between. Never with me. It’s always one or the other.

I could feel him open his mouth and I didn't give it a second thought before sliding my tongue against his. He grabbed me by my blue tie to get me even closer, choking me but not enough to make me care. 

"Mr. Way" Christine called me from the device a few inches away from Frank "Michael is here. Should I send him in?"

Of course. Mikey Way lives to appear at bad times. Frank pulled away from me and we both stared at each other, gasping for breath, still carried away from what had just happened. Frank's cheeks were bright red, his mouth was still wide open. And i knew i was going to keep that mental image for a long time. He got up from the desk as if it was on fire not too much after. I started fixing the knot on my tie that Frank had ruined. 

"Send him in" 

I said as as i pressed a button in the machine so Christine could hear me. Frank got a seat at the left chair on the other side of my desk. He was quiet, which for Frank, was alarming.

Mikey got in the room in his usual formal attire so I assumed he had just left the law firm he worked at to drop by. He could have waited, maybe come by my apartment sometime later after we were both done with work. But no, he had to be there at that very moment instead. Course he was.

"Oh, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting" He said when he noticed Frank in the room. He took a seat right next to him, at my right. "I wanted to tell you I was coming by, but you hanged up on me"

"No, I can go" Frank said looking straight at me "I don't want to cause you any trouble"

"No, no, stay" I said and turned to see my brother "Mikey, this is Frank. Frank, this is Mikey"

Mikey raised his hand so Frank could shake it, but it took him long seconds of analysing looks before he actually did so. As if Mikey was ill or something. 

"Hi"

Frank said before ending the handshake as fast as he could.

"Look, I'm sorry but I already told you I'm busy" I insisted looking at my brothers eyes again "Drop by my apartment later, I can't talk right now"

Mikey gave me a glare, something he hadn't done since we were little kids. Back then, he used to wear tiny glasses that made his glares unthreatening. But now he was an adult, and when he glared at me I even felt scared. He got up from his seat making more noise than necessary and slammed the door shut without saying a single word. If there was one thing he really hated, it was being ignored.

The room stayed silent after his departure. I could sense Frank was upset about something, but I wasn't sure what. It wasn't my fault Mikey had showed up, and in whatever case he had no reason to be annoyed by Mikey's presence anyway. That behavior made me realize how little I knew Frank. I was risking my marriage for a guy whose last name i couldn't even spell. But I didn’t care. I was drunk on him.

"So" I said trying to break the tension in the room. Frank turned to see me, after looking at my bookshelf for maybe two entire minutes "Do you like working here now?"

"I could get used to it" He explained "I'm trying to get a fresh new start, you know? New job, new clothes, I was thinking about getting tattoos too"

"They will fire you if they see them"

I said without really thinking.

"Well, I'll get them one day" He insisted, his voice higher "I was thinking about moving too, but i can't really afford it"

"Why do you need the new start?" 

"Because of my stupid ex boyfriend basically" He replied, staring at my bookshelf again "He turned my life around and now I need to fix it. So here I am, in a grown up job, trying my best to look like I belong here"

"What did he do?" He took a loud sigh when he heard the question, making me regret it "If you want to talk about it" 

"I mean- well, we were in a pretty serious relationship and he cheated on me with a guy i used to be friends with"

"I'm sorry to hear that" 

I said, trying my best to hide how uncomfortable I felt.

"People who cheat are scum"


	6. Chapter 6

***

When i got home i was completely aware that Mikey was going to be in my living room, preparing himself to give a speech on what a douchebag I was. I knew that the only reason he didn’t yell at me at my office was that he thought Frank was someone important and didn't want to get me in trouble. But at my place, he was going to bitch and moan about the ungrateful bastard I was for not giving him my full attention every time he asks for it. God, if we were in my parents house, he'd act even worse, waaay worse.

The moment I opened the door my theory was confirmed. He was waiting for me in the beige couch in front of the tv. Lyn was right next to him, holding a glass of wine in her hand. Great. I closed the door shut making their eyes come from the comedy show in the tv and get to me.

"Gerard I don't fucking care if you have god damn cancer, don't hang up on me and then tell me to leave your office without even getting to talk!"

He exclaimed. I don't usually like small gestures such as saying "Hi", "How are you?", "Good evening", "Long time no see" or anything from that source, but Mikey really makes me miss those type of conversation starters sometimes.

"I'm sorry"

I said making my way to the bedroom.

"And also, why don't you appreciate Lyn more?" He added.

"I'm sorry"

He kept yelling things, but I locked myself in the bedroom to stop hearing him. Moments like that made me remember high school. How Mikey used to be so quiet, so shy, scared to even ask for anything. How he was too terrified to make friends, and so was I, so we only had each other. Mikey used to be my best friend back then. He became a different person at some point during college, when he majored as a lawyer. He became bitter, angry, and he always took advantage of whatever he could. When he joined that law firm downtown things got even worse, since they somehow manage to change his personality even more.

But I still love him to death. I thought so while i undid my tie. It was true; I still wished him the best, i still got excited when he visited. I still laughed at his jokes. I'd still do anything for him. But, with each day I questioned it more. Whenever Mikey acted like he did when I walked into the apartment, I would always think back to high school. I would always think about the things people in school used to say to me, how dad used to yell when i got home. Back then, the person that made me feel better was Mikey, but now it felt as if Mikey was the bully. 

This is how things worked in my head. Everyone was either  _ bullied  _ or a  _ bully _ . There weren’t any other types of person in the world. It was that simple to me. And Mikey had gone from one extreme to the other in a span of few years.

After I was done changing my work clothes to sweatpants and a Star Wars shirt I used to sleep in. It was time to try to confront my brother again. When I opened the door he was talking quietly with Lyn, but the moment he saw me he raised his voice again and frowned.

"And your hair!" He continued "You need to paint it black again, are you out of your mind?"

That comment was fairly hypocritical, considering that Mikey had been dyeing his brown hair to blonde for the past four years, but i didn't want to piss him off more than he already was.

"I'm sorry"

"No, sorry isn't going to fix that" Mikey pointed out "I'll drive you to some place downtown where we can do something about it. I'd let you go on your own, but i don't want you coming back with blue roots and shit"

"I'm not taking it off"

I explained, still in a calmed tone.

"Yes you are" He insisted "Go change again, we're going out"

"I'm not taking it off"

I repeated.

Being a redhead really wasn't that fun. Honestly, all it did was get attention from the people at work, and I could live without it. But Frank liked it. And if Frank liked it, I was going to die a damn redhead.

"Gerard"

Was all Mikey said, as if he expected that saying that was going to bring me back to my senses. But my senses had died the day i met the boy in the roof.

"I'm not taking it off" I said again, walking towards the living room to get to the front door. Mikey yelled my name again "Leave me alone"

Then I opened the front door and stormed out to the emergency stairs almost running. I felt scared, as if Mikey was going to act like dad used to and bring a belt to spank me. He always acted like dad when he was angry. He had never hurt me unlike dad, but i had never really fought him before.

Clumsy I went through the steps as fast as i could. Feeling as if Mikey was a few steps behind me, trying to get me. He wasn't there though. It was childish to think he was. But in my mind people were my enemies, my bullies, villains, evil, and that was the type of thing they’d do to me.

When i opened the door I hoped Frank was going to be there, to make me feel better. But he wasn't. The only thing in the roof was the plastic table and I. 

Later I walked to the left side of the building, where the boy usually was. The view wasn't really that interesting. All the windows in the buildings nearby were closed, the streets were fairly lonely and seeing the traffic wasn't at all entertaining. It was better than dealing with Mikey though.

Part of me was sure that sooner or later Frank was going to come by. So I stayed, pretending to care for the people walking down the street i lived in. At least five times i stopped to think about how much i wish i had brought cigarettes. Most of the time though, I thought about my life. Gow i was completely ruining my relationship with the people I truly cared about for some stranger. I thought about how Lyn would react if she found out about the kiss, I thought about how heartbroken I would be if she left me. I thought about how difficult it would be to deal with her asking me for divorce, after all we had gone through together. I didn't want any of that to happen. I also didn't want Mikey to stop talking to me for something like that. And really, the root of all those problems was Frank. The thing that could potentially ruin the life i had built up was Frank. He was all my mind could think of. And not even in a good way. 

Frank never came. 

When I went home late that night. Once I was alone in the bathroom I grabbed my favorite razor and made small cuts on my right arm. Red poured from my arms into the sink. And I almost fell bad for Lyn. For all the shit that she had to put up with me. But I cut myself again and again and again. Because I deserved it. If I didn’t get to have Frank’s attention, then I wanted to  **die** .


	7. Chapter 7

***

"I'm fine"

I said against the cellphone I was holding with my right hand.

"This whole, disappearing in the middle of the day needs to stop" Mom said in the other way of the line "You worried Lyn, you worried Michael, you worried me. I think you may need help again"

"Ma, I'm fine" I said louder this time. It was eleven in the afternoon and I was laying on the couch of my living room, since Lyn didn't want to sleep in the same bed as me. I couldn't blame her "I promise"

"I think you should see a therapist again"

"Well you know what I think?" I said loudly "I think you should all just lay off my dick" I knew she was probably giving me that offended glare she used whenever I cursed at her, but I didn't stop "I think that Lyn, Mikey and you should all just lay the fuck out of my dick" I was shouting by this point, knowing that Lyn could probably hear me, since she had left the bedroom door open "Is that too much to ask for? For some privacy? Do i need to ask you people permission for every single fucking thing I do? I'm a grown fucking man"

"Don't speak to me that way-"

"I'm not sixteen years old. I can get out of here whenever I feel like it, I can do whatever I want with my hair, because and most importantly" I continued ignoring her attempts to talk "I get to do whatever i feel like doing"

That was right before I hanged up the phone before hearing her reply. It was done. Mom was going to do some sort of intervention, as she always did whenever i did too many decisions by myself. As long as my dad wasn't involved in it -he never was- i wasn't really going to care. Therapy didn’t do shit to me. It was a waste of money for all I cared. All the meds and doctors never helped.

It was ridiculous to be treated like a child just for a haircut. A haircut i didn't actually want, to be absolutely honest, but still. It was still too much drama over nothing.

I hadn't ever made Mikey, mom and Lyn angry at me at the same time before. I was smarter than to do that. But I was so angry and fidgety all the time, angry at everyone who wasn't Frank fucking Iero. Of course he was living in the same building as me, of course that he got a job in the same agency as me, and of bloody fucking course, he wasn't going to be around at the moment I wanted to see him. 

"We were worried because we love you" 

I heard Lyn said quietly before shutting the bedroom door.

***

It was five in the morning. I was hard. I could tell that Lyn noticed, but she decided to ignore it. I had stopped getting morning wood at some time around turning 25 years old, but I couldn't say I was too upset about it.

In the shower I closed my eyes as i leaned closer, soaking my entire face in the warm water it was producing. I debated whether i should do something about it. After all, i wouldn't be at work until an hour later, and letting it unattended for a while could probably make it go away. Thinking about dull things such as work could probably help too, so I started thinking about my routine when I'd get to work.

Say hi to Christine. Get to my office. Turn on the computer. Mess around for an hour or two. Check my email. Read whatever message Mr. Robertson sent me. Finish what he wants. Print the design. Go all the way to his office. Say hi to Jenny. Talk to Esther.

_ No, talk to Frank. _

Talk to Frank. Frank. The skinny boy that doesn't wear a tie. The boy who smells like cheap cologne and cigarettes. The boy whose tongue you had in your mouth. Frank.

At some point during my thoughts on him my hand went to my length. I pulled it away as soon as i realized, though. Jerking off in the shower thinking about people you hardly know is something a hormonal teenager would do, if I did it, it would be just creepy.

But my mind went right back to him again in a matter of seconds. I found myself thinking of what would have happened if Mikey hadn't showed up. Would i have stopped him eventually? Certainly. I would have told him the truth, I was sure I would have stopped to tell him the truth, eventually. 

But another part of me thought differently. It thought about how we wouldn't have stopped. It was what triggered me to go back for my cock, now fully hard; I didn't care anymore. Fuck it, no one had to know if I fantasized about some boy I was never going to be with anyway. 

So I started thinking about him and his cheap suit. It took me a second to think about him with his clothes off on top of my desk before I was stroking myself. I thought about how smooth his skin would have been. I let out a loud groan, not caring what Lyn would think about it. As i pumped the base of my cock all i kept thinking about was his skin, how he looked after our kiss was interrupted, how he was panting. How much he wanted me. Suddenly I was thrusting against my own palm, moaning and still thinking about Frank. About how much I wanted him.

When I came all over my hand and belly I remembered something:  I could never have him


	8. Chapter 8

***

During my lunch break I wanted to find Frank. To be exact, I wanted to talk to him about the kiss and to be fair I wanted to kiss Frank again. So I decided against it. He was ruining everything. He was the reason Lyn thought I was acting strange, he was the reason Mikey was angry at me and most importantly I realized i couldn't really control myself around him. At some point in the morning i had become fully aware that if Mikey hadn't stopped me in the middle of the kiss I wouldn't have asked him to stop at all. I couldn't take risks like that.

I didn’t trust myself. I could not be trusted, really. I was a goddamn mess.

Instead of that, I continued my old routine. When my lunch break started I looked for Bob in the fifth floor and we went out to that coffee place a block away from our office. They mostly sold beverages and cake, but that was usually the only thing we needed at nine am. I blame that coffee place in how i gained four pounds during my first year at the job. 

"She keeps talking about," Bob said after taking a bite of his chocolate donut, starting his daily nag about his girlfriend "buying new furniture and shit. Like, what, is she going to be the one who pays for it? No, of course not"

"Lyn was the same when we moved out after we got married"

I said before taking a sip of my black coffee.

"What did you do?"

Bob asked frowning.

"I told her that if she wanted new furniture so much she could go get a job" I explained "And she said that she was going to make her dad pay for it, so I gave in"

"Fuck, I'm gonna get so mad if she pulls that shit on me"

I looked around us, thinking there was a chance Frank could appear. After all, just like Mikey, he had a gift to be there when you didn't want him around. All the other white tables surrounded by blue chairs were empty. The only people around were Bob, two waitresses and me. Tuesdays are never packed with people, but i founded it strange anyway.

Then I wondered if the place got most of their customers during the afternoon, because with the years I had noticed a decrease of people coming by. The idea that the place could close sometime soon scared me, since that would mean i would have to eat lunch at the office. And Frank could find me anytime there.

"Have you ever," I started, looking down at my drink "I don't know, met someone you were attracted to, then- well forgot about telling them about your girlfriend and all that?"

"You're asking me if i've ever cheated"

"No, no" I said before clearing my throat "You're attracted to the person, they're attracted to you and well they don't know that you're with someone"

"You're thinking about cheating Lyn?" He said almost shouting, I put my finger around my mouth trying to tell him to be quiet even though the place was deserted, but he ignored my gesture "With who? Tell me about her!"

"I-" I questioned if I should said it was a he, but decided not to "It's nothing really, I swear I just- we haven't really done anything"

"But you like her, and you know she likes you"

"Basically, yeah"

"I'm glad you're telling me" He said  finally lowering his voice "I never really liked Lyn, she seems like a spoiled brat"

"Well she's the fucking spoiled brat I love, so don't talk about her like that" 

"Fine man, I just thought you were thinking of leaving her or something" 

"I'm not" I said loud, as if i was trying to convince myself "I'm interested in the other person, that's all"

"Okay, I get that. It's cool" 

"Have you ever cheated on someone?"

I asked, making eye contact again

"Nah, that's kind of a dick move" 

***

Constantly I have to check my email, since i get a fair amount of work related messages everyday. Most of them come from Mr. Robertson's account. Ones he doesn't actually write. I don't know exactly how the transaction works, but i've figured that he probably texts his secretary what he wants and goes back to doing nothing while the secretary writes them properly to send them to me. 

I know it probably sounds like I hate Robertson and think he doesn't do anything around here, but I don't, he's a good person. I certainly don't hate him - i just really do wonder if he has ever worked here at all. How did he got his job? Did he even finish high school? What does he even do inside his office? 

Back to the emails, since Esther's departure I had received maybe three of them probably written by Frank. They weren't as formal as Esther's, but they were pretty straight forward with what they wanted.

It really helped my theory that Robertson's emails weren't actually made by him when I opened one that simply said:

"where were u at lunch, qt"

I couldn't be sure if that was Frank though, because who knows, maybe Mr. Robertson did wonder where i was at lunch and maybe he did thought i was a cutie, so all I replied was a message asking if it was Frank. The new message i received after that was:

"of course its me what the hell"

To which I replied

"Why? Did you went to my office to ask for me? I was out, with a friend" 

Frank sent back in less than a minute a message that said:

"what friend? that mickey dude? fck him"

I couldn't help but to chuckle after I finished reading his message. Then I remembered I shouldn't be talking with him anymore. It always got me in trouble. I replied anyway with:

"its mikey. he's not a dick when u really get to know him. well, not so much"

After sending the message I closed the window and turned down the computer. Work didn't end until about an hour, but I doubted that my absence would be noticed. It never really was. 

While I closed the door to my office I saw Roger and Pete coming by. So I waved Christine goodbye before walking away as fast as I could. It was too late though. They saw me, and didn't even question following me. They were both part of the art department downstairs yet i hardly ever got to see them: for personal choice. Although I was technically their boss, I didn't really see myself as one, but they did. Talking to them was always painfully uncomfortable. 

I kept walking away towards the elevator ignoring their yells at me. Sadly when i reached that destination they managed to get inside as well.

"Mr. Way" Roger started in an overly excited tone "You haven't called us in all day"

"We went to look for you during lunch" Pete added "But you weren't in your office. We were worried. Now you're leaving early, are you okay?"

"I'm fine" I said for the hundredth time of the month "Slow day, that's all"

"Oh"

They said in unison as if they had heard the best excuse possible.

My floor was reached, so I was about to climb off the elevator to leave them to talk about the weather or whatever they did with their time, but i stopped the moment i heard Pete say:

"I still can't believe he's friends with Frank"

"What did you say?"

I said horrified, not realizing how fast I had walked towards him or that had ended up only a few inches away from his face.

"I- sir" Pete said "I mean- we, sir"' He corrected pointing at Roger "We came to your office during lunch and we saw our friend Frank waiting for you as well"

"What did he said about me?"

I asked ignoring how loud I was speaking considering how close we were. 

"He- He said" He paused to think for a second "He said you live in the same building as him, sir"

"What else did he say?"

I insisted.

"H-He said you were the head of the art department and we told him that y-you- you were our boss"

"Listen here you two" I pointed at both of them making them take a step behind "Don't talk to Frank. I don't care if he tries to talk to any of you, avoid him. Do not talk to Frank Iero or you're fired"

One of the only ways I had any sort of power in my position in the art department was that I could fire whoever I wanted as long as he was part of it. During my entire time with the position, I had never used that right I had. And to be honest, I wouldn't have actually used it on something like that. That could have probably gotten me a lawsuit. I was bluffing. Obviously bluffing. 

They nodded in unison. From the fear of their eyes I could tell they had believed every word of what i had just said. 

Wrath had suddenly creeped all over me and I couldn’t control myself. I was so goddamn angry all of the sudden.


	9. Chapter 9

***

Mom was sharing the gray couch with Mikey, and Lyn was locked in our bedroom. I was a few feets away from my family, in the brown couch at left of the television. Our discussion on my behavior had lasted about twenty minutes. I know this, because I was constantly checking my cellphone to see what time it was. 

"Your dad doesn't even know why we came here" Mom said "You know how he would react"

I did knew. I also did knew that I was almost thirty years old, and i wasn't really going to let my dad kick my ass for cursing on a phone call. I didn't say anything.

"I feel like you've been acting this way ever since I got engaged" Mikey informed me "I just want you to know that if you have any problem with Sarah you can tell me. We could all go do something together even"

My behavior had nothing to do with Mikey's engagement. He could do whatever he wanted, such as I could. After all, I didn't say anything when he cheated on his lást fiance. If he wanted to marry some barely legal girl he could. His lovelife was the least of my concerns at the time. I didn't say anything.

When I looked down to my cellphone to check the hour again i saw a notification.

Some unknown number had sent me a message.

I knew Robertson had my cell phone number, Esther had asked for it long time ago, but I didn't actually ever expect him to try to reach me. He was the only person I could think of that would have know my number and had never texted me before.

A wave of terror went through me as i thought that maybe he had notice how early i had left work. Maybe he had gone through the office files and noticed i left early at least twice a week. Maybe he was going to fire me.

The message sent to me said: 

"guess what secretary has axes to a dickload of peoples adresses & shit"

At that moment i knew it wasn't Robertson. Although a burden was lifted from me, the idea of texting Frank with my family so close to me seemed too risky.

Before i could reply he sent:

"y didnt u answer my email. r u mad at me for being so dumb to u after ur friend mickey came ? is that y u avoided me at lunch? cuz im sorry if that's so"

A tiny smile went across my face for some reason after i read it, but I wiped it away before mom or Mikey could notice. They were still talking, but I couldn't bring myself to concentrate in what they were saying. 

Again, before i could even come up with something to answer he texted me:

"ill make it up to u. let me take u to dinner somewhere. ill pay"

It took me a long moment to think of an answer. I would go anywhere with him. But he was going to end up causing me trouble again. I couldn't afford making people more worried than they already were.

I sent back:

"i dont think we should. you just came out of a serious relationship and all plus im busy all the time"

Quickly he sent as a reply:

"ur not my rebound, g. i swear i want this to work. w/e it is. cmon, i know this pizza place near by. lets go this friday or something after we're done at the office. its gonna be fun u know u want to"

I was going to reject the offer again. I had to. The kiss was something that Lyn could never know of, but if i went on the date we'd be in a relationship which isn't exactly easy to have when you're married. I had to reject it. 

"Ma" I said finally looking up from my phone "i think you should know that-" Mikey and her were staring right at me, concerned in whatever i was about to say "- that i'm going to do what you want and go to a therapist again. i told Christine to book me an appointment, i'll go friday after work"

"Baby, that's wonderful"

She said smiling. Mikey was frowning though. I could tell he didn't buy it at all.

"Whatever works"

My brother said, not looking into my eyes anymore.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: Guys something messy has been happening with my mental health so im sorry for the hiatus and im not even sure when im coming back cause...i have no idea what’s gonna happen to me. I might get sent back to the psychiatric hospital again. Not sure yet. But if i disappear thats probably why.

***

It was lunch time again. I texted Bob to tell him we should go to the coffee place as the day before. He said he had some stuff to do. It was suspicious, to say the least. Maybe he was mad because he thought i was a cheating douchebag, I really couldn't tell. I considered Bob a friend, but I was also aware that he sometimes found me annoying or that he didn't like Lyn one bit. I didn't reply to his message.

There wasn't a doubt in my head that Frank was going to show up, but I still couldn't help to feel panic when Christine asked me if i should send him in or not. After I said yes to her, my office door was opened by the short man wearing the same suit as on monday with a different shirt. A clean one, at least.

He closed the door and locked it, as if it was his office. Such as on Monday, he looked around the place before facing me. His eyes mostly wandered to the books I had there, although I doubted he had read any of them before. His hands were buried in his pockets while he walked forwards to the bookshelf. He looked like he wanted to grab one, or simply point at one to say something, but in the end he didn't say anything.

"They're all about artsy gibberish"

I said making him turn around to see me, finally making him act aware of my presence in the room.

"I noticed" Frank replied sounding a little disappointed "I wanted to show off the bookworm I am, but I honestly don't know any of these"

"It's okay" I said, remembering Lyn and that black sculpture in the bedroom, the one I wanted to see destroyed "We can't all be into artsy bullsht" 

The room fell silent again after that. I thought that maybe i had said something wrong, something that offended him, but I couldn't tell what it was. He wasn't acting like after Mikey came to the office the other day though. He just seemed vacant.

He had turned around to face the bookshelf again. From what I could tell from the movements of his head, he was reading the title of each one of them. I couldn't understand the purpose of it though.

"You know" He said, still not looking at me "I don't want to pressure you or anything . You- I mean, you're always blocking my advances. Liike yesterday, I asked you out and you rejected it. I mean, i know you gave in eventually, but I don't want you to think that- that I would hate you or something if you had said no again. I feel like," He took a pause to look at the ground for a moment "I feel that you only want to be friends with me. And if that's the case, you can tell me. You know you can tell me" He looked up to the bookshelf again "Its okay if you don't want me"

His last statement made my heart drop. I was speechless. He couldn't tell how much i needed him. How in less than a week of knowing him i was already craving for his touch. He had no idea of the arguments I had gone through because of him. He was absolutely clueless of how he made me feel. How my mind was fixated on him completely. 

It was my time to fix things.

In fact, that right there was probably the best time I ever had to tell him the truth. Or end things, at least.

I could have just said it would be better to stay friends. That way I'd still get to see him without compromising my marriage to Lyn. He'd found out about her, eventually, but if we didn't date he wouldn't have much to complain about. 

I should have ended right there.

He was practically asking me to end it. Whatever it was, and wherever it was heading. It was the perfect chance. Yes, i'd be breaking his heart, but it was better than going through a divorce for some kid whose damn last name I still couldn't spell. I should have done the right thing. He wanted me to do the right thing, even if he didn't know what it was.

Yet somehow, the only thing that came out from my mouth was

"I want you"

And that was exactly what he wanted to hear. His response was to run into my arms and kiss me. Not even that actually, he just smashed our lips together without a warning. Our teeth were practically clenching at each other at one point till we actually managed to get a somewhat real kiss. I slid my tongue inside his mouth and from the way he started making needy noises all of the sudden. I could tell he probably wasn’t very familiar with kissing at all. His last boyfriend had probably been his first. Even by just holding him by his waist he moaned. Which to me was a reflex if anything, but to him it seemed to be this crazy romantic thing he had never experienced in his lifetime.

It was real fucking cute. I didn’t want to worry about it anymore. Instead, I focused on his mouth again. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ever since i came back from the hospital ive been short chapters but im trying my best

***   


Our lips kept meeting as Frank spread his legs. My hips started bucking against his hips. We were so close but somehow I still wanted more. I held him closer and tighter than I had before. But Frank suddenly wasn’t giving in. Or at least not completely. He pulled away completely and said to me:

“I wanna know more about you”    
Frank goes with a smirk on his face. 

“What do you mean?”   


My mind was on his body, and I kept kissing him on his neck. His words were already forgotten. What he said was ridiculous. We were having a good time. Why ruin it? He laughed and insisted with:   
  
“I’m serious.” He put his hands in the middle of us to pull us apart “Tell me about you. I don’t wanna be like this with a complete stranger. So tell me something about yourself”

It was turning frustrating. I wanted him to stop pushing the subject. It was stupid.

“I’m Gerard. I’m twenty seven. I’m borderline. And I suck at small talk”   
Then I went back to kissing his neck. But he pulled me away again. This time there was mild worry on his face. That couldn't be good. 

Out of all the things I could have said. I picked  _ that _ . Because I'm a moron. Of course. My brain couldn't think of something normal to say. It had to be the dumbest shit. Always the dumbest shit possible. If it was anything else would it even be me whatsoever?

“What’s that? Borderline?”   
The smirk disappeared. He seemed genuinely puzzled.

“Can we not talk about this right now?”

Was what I tried.   
  
“Damn, so it’s something serious, uh?”

Frank looks at me with those big bright eyes and I have to stop. He totally has me. If he asks me to jump off a bridge Id do it. There's no way I can deny that. He has me reeled in completely. So if he wants to know i'll fucking tell him. But Jesus, I'm no expert either. I barely understood this disease when my doctor explained it to me.  

“It’s- It’s a disorder. I have issues with my emotions and I make stupid decisions”   
  
“I think we’re all a bit like that”

He says, and I get genuinely pissed off.

He doesn't get it. Of course he doesn't. I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. It was stupid of me. Hell!  **_I'm_ ** fucking stupid. The biggest idiot. Of course Frank was gonna think it was dumb. Stupid Gerard and his stupid disorder that doesn't even matter! Stupid, stupid, stupid. Now Frank must hate me.   
  
“No. It’s-- There’s more to it, but I don’t wanna talk about it right now”    
  
“I don’t wanna- make out with someone with a disease I don’t understand”   
He says.

He talks about me as if I suddenly had cooties or something. It's terrifying. But understandable. He just doesn't get it.

“It’s not like that. It’s just-I’m bad at relationships and self care and most things”   
Is the only way I can explain it. It doesn't seem to help things. 

“And are you sure that’s the illness? And not just you?”

Frank asks as if it's not the vain of my motherfucking existence***   
  
“I don’t know where the illness begins and where do I start”

Is all I can say.

“Bummer, man"

The room goes silent. The entire mood is ruined. It feels like we've gone through the topic for an eternity. I can't even look at him in the eyes anymore.

“I know. It’s why I stopped going to therapy. Just bummer after bummer”   
  
“But you’re stable right?”   
  
“Sort of”

I don't even believe it myself. 

"OH, I don’t like this”   
  
“You were the one who wanted to know me!”   
I spit back.   
“Yeah but I didn’t think… Forget it"

He was already standing up. He was gonna leave me! My beautiful Frank was gonna fucking leave me! This stupid illness had ruined everything again.    
“What am I supposed to do?!”

“I don’t know! I’m not a doctor! You should go back to therapy” He shrugs before starting to make his way out. As if it was nothing. As if he wasn't kissing me just a couple moments before. As if we were nothing. 

“I will! Don’t go!”   
  
“I’m sorry, I- I have to”

And he shuts the door as if its nothing.   
***   
I promised myself I was gonna stop cutting. It was a stupid lie to myself, honestly. It's as if I enjoyed letting everyone down. It's a damn hobby to me, ruining everything always. And it's not even something I like doing. It just happens. Every time. Without fail. This is my stupid failed attempt at living.

That night I went home, took my favorite blade and bled till I felt dizzy. Just when my old wounds had started to heal. I decided to hurt myself again. Cause it was what I deserved. After a long day like that, there was nothing like it. It was cathartic in a way. It felt like it was what I had earned after a day like that.

She knows but she doesn't say anything. It's better off that way.


	12. Chapter 12

The office is tiny. A small 4x4 room with no personality. It's the doctor's desk, and a couch for me to sit. There's also a bookshelf piled with medical books. But the doctor never reaches for them. Some of them are actually usable. But most of the books are just there to be there probably. My eyes are focused on the bookshelf. Avoiding the doctors gaze. Cause I don't like anything he's saying. It all becomes gibberish after some point. All my answers are automated really.

"So you want a divorce?"

The doctor asks me again.

"No, gosh no"

Is my adamant response. There's no way in hell id go through all that. For what? Id come back crawling to Lyn within a week.The mere idea makes me get up from the couch and look at him with bewilderment. How dare he think I would even consider such a thing. She’s my goddamn life. Even after all we’ve gone through. All the bad shit. I still know I’m nothing without her. How dare he think I could even exist without my wife.

"I'm not following"

"Look, I love her. I absolutely love her. But this guy I met...He's…"

Then I stop. Because I truly don’t know what he is. He’s special? He’s different? He makes me feel things? All of the above? It’s too hard to explain. And i doubt he cares anyway. So why even bother. There I am with my mouth hanging open and my eyes staring into nothing. Just thinking. Wondering. What is he truly? What makes me want him so badly? Is it really him? Is it me actually?

"You like him"

He finishes.

"I mean, I don't know. Could be."

Is all I dare to say. 

The accusation doesn't sit well with me. What I feel for Frank is a brand new whole emotion. It's not love whatsoever. But its not a crush either. Its an attraction i can't quite describe. He's magnetic. He makes me do stupid things. He's something else. I don't get it either. He’s, to simply put it, different. When I’m with him it feels like I’m on fire. It feels like it was meant to be. It feels like the stars had predicted we would be together decades before we had even appeared. 

"You kissed him."

"Yeah, but I'm not even gay"

"You kissed a man"

It makes me speechless. The nerve of this guy! I’m not gay! No way! That’s insane! I’m married to a beautiful woman. I’ve only dated women in my lifetime. I don’t feel attraction to the men in my life. Where is that even coming from? Sure, FRANK happened. But Frank was… He didn’t count. He’s his own damn species entirely. Not a man not even goddamn human. He’s an angel of some sort. 

"There was no gay intent!"

"Would you consider it just a moment of euphoria?"

Euphoria. I've heard that term before in old appointments. It has to do with my illness. But I don't quite get it yet. And I'm not asking either. It makes me feel stupid. So instead I stay quiet for a few moments. Pretending to be actually considering what he’s telling me. Docs get off on this shit. On making you think they schooled you about something. The only reason I pretend that it worked is because I want to get out of this office as soon as humanly possible. And I need this man to say I’m sane in order for my family to leave me alone.

"I-I don't know. It didn't feel like it. It just...felt good at the time. But that's just human nature, okay? Doesnt mean im leaving my wife for a gay lover"

No one said anything for a while.The silence isn't helping the situation. In fact, it was making it worse than it already was. In that moment I wished the goddamn couch could eat me alive. Oh, to disappear from this awful awful planet. How sweet would that be. Too much for me to even handle probably.

"We’re not good right now either… He seems freaked out over this. And it hurts. Cause I can't handle rejection already. But rejection from him? Its unbearable."

Rejection is honestly one of my biggest fears. It’s not airplanes or fires or earthquakes. It’s goddamn rejection. It seems like such a normal part of life. Like it’s just something that happens to everybody. Well, I’m not a goddamn anybody. And I can’t stand the mere thought of rejection. It breaks me into a million pieces every single time I’ve encountered it. I cannot stand it. Simply cannot.

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"I mean, yeah. What else was I going to do? Im a fucking idiot"

Is all I say as if I’m talking about the most natural thing in the world. It horrifies my doctor. Which only makes me like it even more. There's no thrill like scaring people who deal with fuckups all day. It says a lot about the type of fuckup you are. I’m a goddamn ultra fuck up. Platinum fuck up. Premium fuck up.

"There are other coping mechanisms"

"They dont do shit to me"

It’s true. I’ve tried every single one of them multiple times. They don’t work. A plant and meditation aren’t going to stop my mental breakdowns. That’s just a motherfucking fact right there. They only waste my time. They’re no good for a case like mine. I need more than a simple counting to ten to fix my problems. My problems are bigger than I am sometimes. 

"I urge you to try them again. And again."

"Hmmm"

"Why don't you paint? You liked painting way back when you first started coming here" 

"Those were other times"

"What's different?"

"I was happy back then"

 ***

He didn't greet me when I saw him at lunch… As if I didn't exist… It hurt me to my core. Hes special. Like the most special person in my life currently. Why is he like this to me? Why cant he just fucking feel the same way? Why do I have to be the one hurting? Why are things always this way? God, I hate myself. 


End file.
